23 7 / 2014
Everyone around me has that special someone . They all have their future mapped out. They all know what they’re gonna do and they’re going for it. While I have no one and have no idea what to do or how to do it. I have no idea what to do with my life and it scares the hell out of me. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Why did my life have to turn out like this?
23 7 / 2014
Fuck everyone and fuck everything. nothing works out in my favor or benefit. I could be the nicest person in the world and I would still get the shit end of the stick.
22 7 / 2014
22 7 / 2014
do you ever shave your legs but later you realise you missed a spot and its like
19 7 / 2014
R mentioned several times that he had trouble reconciling how a strong, confident, self-assured woman like me could have been caught in a string of abusive relationships. As though only visibly weak and unconfident women get taken advantage of and get their self-esteem chipped away, bit by bit.
I am more than just strong. I have my weaknesses and the abusive assholes of my past knew how to exploit those. They also understood that because I felt pressured to be strong, I would not admit to how the abuse was wearing me down. Because I have survived so much bullshit, I have an exterior that so many call strong and resilient. But I’m not. Inside, I crumble all the same. I am not resilient. I do not bounce back. I break and transform and break again. I have my many insecurities nurtured by years of being told and shown that I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve to be loved or be on the receiving end of others’ kindness.
I feel the pressure to be “strong” and “confident,” a lot. I hate it. As a society we’ve come to fetishize strength and confidence in women (thank you, second-wave white feminism) when really, for so many of us Women of Color, we have no choice but to be “strong” and that pressure slowly kills us from the inside out. I felt deep, deep shame in acknowledging my weaknesses and when I struggled; I tried to disappear three times and I still entertain the idea of disappearing because of it. To survive I had no choice but to maintain a “strong” and “confident” exterior because I was punished by others for showing weakness and lack of confidence, yet that exterior drives the people around me to think I’ll be fine when they heap bullshit onto me. Sometimes I feel obligated to take the bullshit because of my “strength,” or I deny the weight of the burden because I’m strong and confident I can handle it and it’s not getting to me; other times, I get pegged as being “too aggressive” when I tell people to fuck off. When others see strength and confidence in marginalized people, they don’t think that we have weaknesses and that we need to be built up. When people see strength and confidence in marginalized people, they not only think it’s fine to tear us down but that we should be torn down.
When people see strength, they fail to see complexity.